What I talk about when I talk about boundary crossing
I’m following the public discussion about how men cross boundaries of women for quite a while. I wanted to write about it, speak up and own up for a while, but I feel I could not. I experienced different forms of this violence by boys and men myself (like many people of all genders did) which make it easier for me to empathize with others with similar experiences. Even though I had such experiences, this didn’t safe me from making mistakes as well and crossing boundaries myself. Sometimes by not taking up cues, sometimes I only heard about the boundary in hindsight, but I might have avoided causing pain knowing about consent back then, seeking a stronger connection with the other person than with my own longing.
When I shared some of those stories with a friend, I got the feedback “It’s not your fault, how could you know.”. But for me this is not about fault, but about responsibilities.
I know another reason why I couldn’t write about this topic so far. I needed to untangle some of the power dynamics at work here, to get more clarity about the issue at hand. What I see so far is:
1) Systemic issues: we need this public discussion to change as society.
2) Observation of others: follow your intuition/observation/thoughts. If something seems off, stop what you were doing (talking, listening, touching, kissing, fighting, …) and ask, sensuality and sexuality are topics where people are often very vulnerable. Different people handle their vulnerability differently.
3) Observation of self: same as above, ask yourself, feel, make boundaries clear, or at least stop whatever you were doing to create a situation that feels better, or even ask the other person for help creating it. Self-care is an important but not the only part of feeling and being safe. Check your own assumptions/patterns around sensual/sexual connection. Limiting beliefs: Maybe you think it’s not okay to exit such a situation without giving the other person what they want. Maybe you don’t want them to feel bad / rejected. I myself had quite a few hidden self-manipulations in place, which prevented self-care. It’s quite likely that other people have that as well.
For me the systemic issues can be a about how heterosexual men* might act towards women* and how male privilege, entitlement and certain “standards” of behavior create problems, unsafe situations, pain, lead to boundaries crossed. Another point is how other people are supporting this system, by not fighting it or looking away. But my entire point would be the question what every single person can do to support moving away from status quo. I’m aware of the influence of race on this topic, but I’m leaving that for another article and I have to admit that my first hand experience with it mostly comes from a privileged point of view (passing).
Point 2+3 are not gender specific for me, they are about personal responsibility. There surely are gender specific biases, but I really think we all need more of 2+3. Every article that did not discuss all of those points made me feel somehow uncomfortable, because the picture was not complete in my opinion. I need to take responsibility for my own safety and I need to take responsibility for the safety of others. By checking in and being respectful of their boundaries, as soon as I know about them. Checking in makes sure that I get the information ASAP. But this is much easier, faster and more reliable if the other person does their part as well, as good as they can.
I really wish to have a broader discussion than just the specific one about the systemic issues between men and women, because gender is not binary and erotic desire not necessarily heterosexual. Maybe this is another discussion for some of us, but I think it’s important to have as well.
As we are all human beings and for sure pretty different, there’s a good chance, that we will cross boundaries. Never crossing boundaries is not possible. I can only do the continuous work to make it happens less. I can be graceful when it happens (no matter if I’m crossing or crossed) and not beat myself or others up about it. This dialogue is of utter importance to create a safer and more peaceful world together.
Why does lot of pain happen between sentient beings on earth, even though I haven’t yet met people whose intention it was to hurt others? Very often knowing, that something I did or said contributed to causing pain, is causing me pain. Which seems to be a common reaction. How people deal with it can wildly differ. Talking about it, apologies, trying to make things better, denial, listening, being busy with my own pain, running away, …. From an observed and interpreted response we can not know what’s going on inside another person, this is why we need to find out about it usually through talking to each other.
In situation which includes systemic imbalances awareness is very important. When I’m in a privileged position it’s my responsibility to be a tremendous tad more careful. No harm is done by checking-in too much, which can not be said of the opposite. Even though I might be privileged I’m still human and I still have vulnerabilities.
For the Grace and Aziz incident I assume they both did the best they could at the given time. I have no idea how both of them feel by now and I have no idea if things happened as reported, as well as no idea about Aziz account of the meeting. So when Grace communicated Aziz, that it was a painful experience and she was hurt, he apologized. I have no idea if that helped Grace, if they personally communicated beyond what was written. I have no idea if Aziz did soul-searching, or find ways to do better in the future. I have no idea if Grace thought about ways to be more safe in the future. To me I look at an painfully incomplete, but painful story. Now our brains do the work and fill out the blanks according to our narrative.
I have a rule of thumb for myself, as well as about narratives I hear from others: When ever I see only a single side of a story (TED Talk by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie) I find it important to do the work to see the other stories, for the sake of both empowerment and empathy. This is not to belittle the pain, or deny what happened, it’s part of rewriting the script of systemic injustice and inequality. Sometimes I need time and healing to enrich my perspective and sometimes I can start rather soon. Not skipping the work is the most important part for me. I really wish that Grace and Aziz see more than one side of their story.
One of the basics of “culture”, “(majority) standards” or “default behavior” is that it is usually invisible to people who are immersed in it. It’s like a blind spot that needs uncovering. It needs courage and work from all parties involved ( and maybe even more) and some of it will very likely elicit painful emotions. Change can feel painful and scary. Leaving the known path and places, not knowing how to be in this new situation can make me feel insecure and afraid. It can be hard to confront “privilege”, both my own and that of others, but it becomes much easier when I realized that my privilege contributes to the pain of someone else and someone else pays for my privilege. I point it out if I see such power dynamics at work, but I need to become aware of them first. It can be hard if someone else points it out when I’m cashing in privilege. Then it’s important to listen and try to become aware of it. Most of the time it’s impossible to let go of privilege, but you can use it to talk about it, you can use it to help others who are not privileged in that particular matter or context. Find out what you can do and do it. Find out about the realms where others are privileged and talk to them, ask them for support.
It needs courage to speak up against something perceived as “standard” no matter how twisted, broken or harmful it is. It needs courage to challenge it, to confront my own pain about it, to not accept “That’s how things are”. It needs courage to not give in to what might feel like to overwhelming resistance. Societal standards changed a lot over time and if you want society to become safer it needs every voice, action, contribution it can get:
What could be your contribution?
It needs courage to not drown this message in my own shame and to divert the attention away from the issue at hand. Not ignoring it, not getting lost in details and counter-arguments to defend myself. All of us usually find ourselves on one or the other side of this issues. I guess that most of us know both sides, being hurt or hurting someone and this isn’t necessarily a binary situation.
My own experience when I face challenges in life is, that I try to approach them from multiple angles and not only multiple angles from my point of view, but from other’s point of view as well. I try to get other people on board, I talk about it, I think about it, I act on it, I write about it, I learn about it, I feel about it and I observe: myself, others, standards, …
We need cooperation to create change. We all need to do our part. We need to talk, explore and learn about consent. Not only only in the bedroom or where ever sex happens and about the bedroom, because the issue about bodily integrity and autonomy does not stop there, but with all the people who are willing to talk about it with you (hello consent). You do it in groups, with friends, in 1:1, with your workmates, with your superiors, your subordinates, your men group, your women group, your non-binary get-together, your parents, your kids, your grandchildren, your relatives, your neighbors, your doctor, your therapist, your fellow students, your teachers, your former partners, your current partners and your future partners, journalists, reporters, …
Learn how they do consent, educate how you do consent and integrate what comes from it. Learn about the wheel of consent, learn about affirmative and other forms of consent, learn how personal consent can be, even though there are helpful approaches that work in most cases, it’s still not a one size fits all. Educate yourself. Help others who want to do so. Make consent a thing.
Don’t let shame or pain stand in the way of speaking out, don’t let shame or pain stand in the way of hearing someone out. If you feel that way it’s actually a good sign, because you care about how other people feel, acknowledge the feeling, but don’t begin to make it all about yourself. Please don’t push it away because it’s hard. If I judge myself I can’t hear the other person. It’s hard to be emphatic, when I’m very busy with myself and feeling defensive, but sometimes I need some self-empathy, before I can be emphatic with others.
If I think something is not my job, I’d rather ask: so what is my job in this situation? In most situations I found something I could and needed to contribute. While it is good to know what I wish from the other person it’s as good as well what I wish from myself and what they wish from me.
Some of those things are hard to do, sometimes feel impossible, even though it feels this way, please try anyhow. You will fail at times, which is not the important thing, the important thing is to stay on it, keep trying.
I’m very emotional about this topic and about the whole situation, even though I try to think in a clear and calm way, it sometimes is very hard for me. Sometimes I was crying while I wrote, sometimes I had to stop because I was overwhelmed by inner turmoil. I carried within me a long-time judgement about men. That they are violent and aggressive and dominating beings. I blamed men for most of the violence in the world and I found it painful to be perceived as man, since I thought of the group (not individuals I know) as violent creatures and I was one as well by association. At the same time I glorified all other genders, but mostly women. Over the years I could work with this issue and I’m glad it is mostly gone by now. Since I did my bias healing I have a much clearer view of the actual issues. I understand that this discussions, reading about it and writing about it are part of some deep healing around this topic.
May courage and kindness be with you.
